After Working on a Dairy Farm for Six Months, I Realize That I’m a Demon & So Is Everyone I Know
At my summer job on the dairy farm
where I work from 6am to 8pm
I swing my leg over the newborn bull
circle my arm around his neck this
is no easy task he bucks me
then muzzles my chest like a puppy
only a few weeks old he’s already strong
I’ve broken farm rule number one
by naming him Zeus
the male calves are kept in a barn
away from the females to be sold
as veal they seem to know it
the bottle of milk goes flying
into the corner
for the third time sparks of straw rain onto our backs
I try singing his favorite Smashing Pumpkins song
“Tonight Tonight” believe believe in me
while dozens of bottles grow cold on the red wagon &
this calf refuses to eat for the second day in a row
I get out the feeding tube he bucks
I mount his back & circle my arm around his neck
both our eyes water as I
ram the feeding tube down his throat
& pour the milk down
when I pull out the tube he sputters hacks
cowering in the back
but when I turn to leave he rams me
& I tumble into a neighboring stall where another bull
Claudelle positions one hoof on either side of my head
stares down at me with his cosmic eyes & parabola of lashes
meanwhile Zeus running at break-neck speed
sneaks his lean body through the crack
he’s happy what seems to be a smile on his face
as the wind blows through his fur for the first time
I catch him seconds before he runs into the road
& drag him backwards
once I return him to his prison
he kicks causing the other bulls to do the same
it occurs to me that he could really hurt
me with his hooves but he doesn’t he’s playing
there’s a high death rate before the male calves are sold
I have to make sure they eat even if they resist
my uncle hopes that my “big heart”
will give them the will to live
*
Hours later the farm boys carry a newborn calf
barely an hour old by the legs & toss him
into a filthy wagon “hey Snow White
here’s another”
back in the barn I try to console the new calf
name him Bocephus after Hank but without his mother
but he’s shaking petrified
trembling I hold him to my chest like a child
his grief is so deep I can feel it glacial nothing will ever
absolve me of this I know I have no illusions
on my lunch break when I stretch
my arms my bones alight
& wander agents of destruction catch
on anything alive & suck the water out
*
Today Barnabas the strongest biggest only bull
seems to glare he’s caged alone inside of an electric fence
I want to ask him are your thoughts rhythmical
horizontal logical do you feel? do you feel Death
as a starling in your chest? may I touch your eyelids?
nesting in a pile of hay I dream of a purple octopus
in a black sea the sea is full of constellations each star
is a spot on the back of a huge white bull
